You're Almost a Year Old

Where has time gone? It seems like yesterday we were at Spartanburg Regional and you had just been born. I remember the facial expression you made when they first handed you to me. You're blue wide eyes staring back at me... I knew I was in love.

You were so small and beautiful. I never knew you could love someone so much you just met. I remember you loved laying on my chest with your butt stuck up in the air, and you would just sleep away... looking at you took all of my problems away.

I never thought I'd say I actually miss getting up every hour to make you a bottle, change your diaper and get you back to sleep. You were such a fighter too, you never wanted to go back once the light came on. I can't tell you how many nights I paced back and forth in my room trying to get you to fall back asleep, but again your wide blue eyes just gazed at me without a care in the world.

It wasn't long before you found you loved laying in your crib looking at your owl mobile. You would 'hoo' at it and garggle. It was the funnest thing. You would kick your chubby little legs like crazy. You had finally found your voice and you loved letting everyone know you were in the room.

It wasn't long before you started sleeping through the night and sitting up on your own. You outgrew the little carseat you had to start out with, and your hair started getting curly and finally growing more. And now... you're almost a year old. You'll always be my baby, but right now you're my 'big' baby. I don't want you to grow up so fast, but I know you're going to. I cherish every moment.

Just know no matter how fast you grow, you're family loves you very much. From the time you were born you were the center of attention and that will always continue. You're my reason for going to college and staying strong and confident in what I do. It is all for you. I want you to have the best life possible- full of happiness, love, and laughter. I want you to continue to grow without a care in the world, and continue to know no matter what I will always be here for you.

 

I knew from the moment you were born you would be a beautiful, silly little girl. That's exactly what you are. You never fail to make me laugh. You are my everything. You changed my life completely but only for the better. You helped me grow up and become a better person. I know longer put myself first. You're name fits you perfectly. Genesis- the beginning. You started a new beginning for me. As you grow, please remember that. I love you so much my beautiful baby girl.

Love,
Mommy.

After a year and a half............

SOOOOOOOO.... after a long year and a half, today was the day I spoke to Genesis's dad, Will. I thought I could have changed him. Boy, was I wrong.

Although I felt like screaming my lungs out to him, I somehow managed to stay calm. He called my daughter a meth baby. What kind of person does that? I think that tears me up the most. Genesis is the most beautiful, funny baby there is and he has the nerve to call his own daughter a meth baby? It kills me.

Then he managed to say he wanted a paternity test, but he didn't want it right now, he wanted to wait it out till his court papers came. Seriously... it's about time someone grows up . You would think an almost 21 year old would take some responsibility. All he knows how to do is lie. He lies to his girlfriend, and I can only hope he doesn't get her pregnant and do what he's doing to Genesis.

Will is dead to Genesis. Today was my last and final goodbye to him, and I will not speak to him whenever I see him in court unless I am told to. He is a sick, no good, lazy deadbeat. NOT a dad, NOT a father, NOTHING. He will never see her. I am dumbfounded by how someone could neglect their own child, because they're too greedy to buy a box of diapers or a can of formula. It's sickening.

Sadly, I have a feeling DSS doesn't even care much that he doesn't help. The people there are rude and half the time won't pick up the phone. Sometimes I just want him to give up all his rights, I mean, that's what he wants anyway, so why not go ahead and get it over with?

All I ever wanted was for him to see her. For him to be a part of Genesis's life, I don't understand why he doesn't want that. I don't care if he hates me, but Genesis never did anything wrong. I am letting this bother me so much and I know I shouldn't. I know God takes care of us through everything, I guess I just wanted to see him have a change of heart. Oh well.

I know I'm a good mom, and I'm giving Genesis the best life possible, and going to college so one day I can provide for her on my own. I want to teach her that she doesn't need a man in her life to be strong. I love Genesis so much, with everything, all of my heart.

So Will, this is my final goodbye, from me and my daughter.

Graduating

I can't believe graduation is just around the corner. It seems like just yesterday my friends and I were in eighth grade, all getting in trouble because Heather used to snort when she laughed. How time flies. Now we're both mommies. And I'm about to graduate high school and start college.

Speaking of college, I've been stuck between getting a degree in Health Science to become and ultrasound tech or getting a degree to become an RN, and becoming a Neonatal Nurse Practitioner. I remember before I got pregnant with Genesis, college meant nothing to me. My exact words were, 'I'm NOT doing another four years of school.' But boy how my opinion on that has changed.

My grades are the best they've ever been since fifth grade. It's been hard, but there's no way I'm quiting now. I want to be able to give Genesis the best life possible, so one day when she looks at me and says, 'Mama I want this,' I can say YES. I want to be able to help others that have helped me. I want to be able to donate to charities like St. Judes. I know I can do it.

I called Greenville Tech the other day, and they said I had plenty of time to get my SAT and ACT test scores in, which I take those in April and May. I'm so excited! My cap and gown will be here soon and I'll be getting my graduation pictures made. Can't wait!!

Being a Single Teen Mama

I never thought I would have kids to start, but January 6th, 2010 my life changed forever. I found out I was pregnant. My at the time boyfriend Will decidede I should have an abortion so he wouldn't get kicked out of his house, and said if I kept this kid he would end up selling drugs to afford everything. But there was NO way I would kill my child, so he left.

Will was never around the whole time I was pregnant. I cried over him, wrote him, and yes, I still do love him. I always will. I know he will never come back. He moved on four months after we broke up and moved in with another girl. I should hate him, but I can't. He's the only guy I was ever in love with and it hurts like hell that he's gone and most of it's the fact that he won't even ask about his daughter. It kills me inside and not a day goes by that I don't think about it.

Being pregnant isn't easy either, especially when you're in school. Although I do online school I was tired most of the time. All I wanted to do was sleep. Every type of food made me feel sick. Honey mustard was the worst. I ended up working over the summer to catch up with everything. But I pulled myself together just to make it through my junior year of high school.

Then, at the beginning of my senior year, the last part of my pregnancy was the scariest and the greatest. I was diagnosed with preeclampsia at 37 weeks pregnant. I was sent home to stay on bed rest, but as the day went on I felt worse and worse. I eventaully went with my instincts and went to labor and delivery. I was told I wouldn't leave the hospital without a baby.

And August 28th, 2011- Genesis Noel Pace was born. She's the love of my life. Nothing can express my love for her. Labor was so hard. My epidural didn't even work because I waited to long to get it, and the epidural guy had to redo it THREE times and still didn't get it right. The nurses were mean and so was the epidural guy. I hated being in there, and I'm pretty sure they were just rude to me because I was younger.

The first nights home were dreadful. I had had about two hours of sleep within four days. I was tired, exhausted, and Genesis was up every two hours and often times wouldn't go back to sleep until four hours later. It was exhausting and I was hurting all over from the birth.

Genesis will be six months old February 28th. Time has flown by since I've had her. I have a child support date March 7th. She looks just like Will. Everyone else thinks so too. Every time I look at her I'm reminded of him.

Genesis is so funny. She makes me laugh, but she's a handful at times too. Especially when she doesn't want to go to sleep. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my family supporting me and helping me with everything like formula and diapers when I need it. But I am going to college to become an ultrasound technician. I graduate this year. I am doing all this to give Genesis the life she deserves. She makes me a stronger person. Yes, it's hard, but I wouldn't change where I'm at now for anything.

I love my baby girl<3